392 July 06, 2008 at 04:15 PM EDT
Halle is first case tomorrow morning July 7th. What! Wait! Did I miss a post?! No- just Last minute Lucy here not taking the time to keep you all informed. My apologies.

It actually all started this past winter. Halle was playing around and then all of a sudden stopped and sat down. She said, "It's like when I wake up at night and I can't breathe and my heart hurts." (Didn't someone tell these kids they are not allowed to say things like that to us moms?). Anyway, every now and then she would say something similar to that so I mentioned it at her winter pc appointment. They did another holter monitor (Hal really loves her "cell phone" and is quite used to these by now). The monitor showed nothing so her pc said we should check in with endrosomething-ologist. We had that appointment right before Christmas and were looking into sleep apnea. Upon answering all their questions, they wanted to do surgery immediately to open her airway thinking it was a "highly critical situation, possibly life threatening" Seriously- they worded it that way on their report. Before I could blink or digest all that they were saying they had her set up for surgery December 31st. Halle's dad and I both felt that this was not in her best interest despite what the report said. She acted and appeared absolutely fine. I wanted a sleep study or something done first before putting her under General especially in the heart of cold/flu season. They agreed and set up a sleep study for March. Halle was adorable through that. She's covered head to toe in wires and wrap and still trying to sing and dance. The tech was great letting Hal put wires on herself. Anyway- the study showed Halle was having numerous sleep apnea episodes a night. My understanding is that they believe due to her many intubations, she has developed scar tissue in her airway that is causing it to be obstructed to some extent.

All of that brings us to tomorrow. They will be putting her under General and intubating her. Then they will take a scope down through her mouth into her airway and either balloon out her passage or lazer it (not sure -will ask tomorrow). Should be an outpatient procedure, with Dave and I being able to take Halle home tomorrow when she comes out of the OR and has kept something down.

Regardless, it never hurts to ask for prayers. Putting Halle under General is always risky (why her father and I hesitated in Decemeber). So, I'm asking, a little last minute I know, for prayers.

Again, sorry for not keeping you more informed. Many wonderful things keeping me otherwise occupied.

Oh yeah- on that positive note, I want to share with you that Halle has been granted a wish through the Make a Wish foundation. My little princess has it on her heart to go to Cinderella's Castle. So the whole family (all nine of us and also Halle's bio-father as well) will be heading to Walt Disney World in July. To say the kids are hugely excited is still an understatement. They are almost downright unbearable.

Hoping you had a wonderful 4th.

Love, live, laugh, and pray;
Amy

387 December 17, 2007
Driving Home.

Sometimes we need things to be "driven home" before we get them. Ok, let me rephrase that. Always, I need things to be "driven home" before I get them. It's just the way it is.

Yes, I know, it's months later, but I want to share something I was thinking while driving home from Halle's surgery. I'm always writing in my mind, but don't always take the time to sit at the computer and actually write (I'm blaming it on my dinosaur computer). Whatever the excuse, I felt lead to type today about what I was thinking driving home.

Driving home after just one night stay: Just one night stay at the hospital. Everything ok. Halle... Oh my! She is such the spoiled belle of the fifth floor-- it was a joyous stay. Kind of. All the nurses and staff made such a big deal over her. "I remember holding you while Mama took showers", "This is Halle? Oh my!", "It does my heart good to see you Halle. You have no idea!" (teary eyes follow) "THIS is Halle?! I remember her shaking away (dancing) while I played for her. Wow- she's grown. It's good to see them make it this long."

Joyous because Halle is the spoiled princess of the fifth floor. It's good because she sees this place as a second family. A home away from home. Sad because reality reminds me she is one of the oldest they see.

But... in reality all it takes is "one drive home."

Driven home: While we were there, we stayed in the room Halle and Jerra shared for a couple of weeks prior to Christmas. The memories and reality of what Halle is really up against were driven home.

Driven home: While we were there, Kenny (the teenage-now adult chd friend that shared Halle and Jerra's pre Christmas stage) was also back in the hospital with uncertain results.

Driven home: While we were there, George (wheelchaired volunteer that held Halle, Jerra, Corbin, Faith, and so many others close to our heart) came specifically to see Halle and talk about the other children we "held" in common.

Driven home: The nurses. I really don't know how they do what they do. How can you be detactched enough to perform your job, yet attached enough to show the families you care? Many continue to send cards to those who have lost, keep their pictures on their ID tags, yet offer hope to those in the midst of it. Wow!

DRIVEN HOME: The picture board at the end of the fifth floor. Most of the kids have past away. Their beautiful faces a reminder that they existed and touched many lives.

One night overstay, and I spent most of the time Halle was asleep looking, crying, praying, over the pictures on that board.

THE DRIVE HOME: So, we were discharged. No drama. No hiccups. Just one night overstay. I had the radio playing to one of those stations that plays Christmas Carols round the clock. I was full of joy. Halle is fine. We are going home. I got a whole new family to celebrate Christmas with. What more could I ask? ... And holding hands with that was my compassion.

Yes. It is ok to be joyous, thankful, and happy this season. But, while driving home from Hal's hospital stay, listening to happy holiday toons, I hurt. "What right do I have loving life so much, when my friends are hurting so much?"

God. His FREE and perfect gift. It has no demands. Just love.

Driving home.
(driven home)

LOVE, LIVE, LAUGH, and PRAY; Amy

385 November 20, 2007
Sorry about keeping you all hanging. No computers available. Halle did wonderful. They took her back at 7:30 and she was done around 9:30. Post more when we are home. Right now she is getting reaquainted with all her old 5th floor friends. George even wheeled down to her room to give her a hug and say Hi. She's owie but good.

Thank you for your prayers.

God is good. All the time.
amy

384 November 19, 2007
U of M called around 5:00 tonight. It's a go. Halle will be first case tomorrow morning. We have to be there at 6:30 and she will probably get her red wagon ride to the OR around 7:30. It should be a very simple procedure with us only staying one night. As many of you know far too well, even the little procedures can get serious quickly with these heart kids so we do appreciate all the prayers you feel led to say.

"DON'T WORRY" This was the heading for today's Our Daily Bread devotion followed by the message that worry is a burden God never intended us to bear. This devotion along with Sunday's sermon on fear were very affirming and comforting for me. This is often how my Father directly speaks to me. To some-- they consider it just weird coincidences. I mean really, how can a God put words printed on a page in a devotion to be perfectly timed to speak to me the night before surgery? Come on!... To me-- that's GOD. Yes- that is possible for Him and that is how He shows us that in this vast universe He is more than capable of personal relationships.

Pastor Rick started the sermon on fear off by asking what do we fear. My eyes watered as my heart answered, "having to live here on earth minus any of my children." That is a possiblity I'm terrified of facing. But there is a truth that follows... He will hold my hand and be with me no matter what comes my way.

DON'T WORRY... just trust. That simple.

Thank you for your prayers. I will update when I can.

Amy

383 November 05, 2007
"No person lives one day more or less than God intends. 'All the days planned for me were written in your book before I was one day old' (psalm 139:16) But her days here were so few...In God's plan every life is long enough and every death is timely. And though you and I might wish for a longer life, God knows better."

This is an excerpt from a Max Lucado calendar I read recently. To me, it was one of the many ways God reminds me whose hands Halle is really in. The truth that all we simply have to do is love and enjoy our children (or people) in our lives for however long we get them, is really quite assuring and peaceful. Of course, I am quick to forget this and take on worries. But, thankfully, God sends little reminders, like this verse.

Halle's surgery was rescheduled for tomorrow. However, she spiked a temp up over 103 yesterday and is still very congested. So- it has once again been rescheduled. This time for Tuesday, November 20th. The site started leaking more, so unless God has different plans, this surgery is necessary. Trying to find a sunny side to look at, I came up with..."Cool. I will be in the hospital with Halle so won't have to cook Thanksgiving dinner." (For those of you who know me well, you all know how much I LOVE to cook.) It's lame, I know. But I'll take whatever good I can focus on.

Since a few of you have asked I'll include an update on the family. Hmmmm. How should I put this? Lets see... I know:
There is a country song out there about 'Just Another Day in Paradise' that comes to mind. Let me copy it in my version.

Kids stuck gooey eyeballs to the ceiling. Septic pump broke. Roof leaks. Horses are out again. Barn door needs fixed. Dave shot a nail through his hand. Cassie peed in all the rooms. The pups ate the chickens. But oh... I thank God for another day in paradise.

Life is life. Lots of troubles, hardships, inconveniences. But, in the right frame of mind, one can smile through it all and be thankful.

I need to remind myself of that every now and then. It's so easy to get swept up in the trap of complaining sometimes (I know this first hand- for sure), but so much more joyful to focus on the good. Horses broke through the barn door and escaped... Instead of looking at being late for work-- kids being late for school. Dave and I were able to enjoy feeling like real cowboys, chasing horses in the dark at 6:30 in the am. Nothing like walking a horse across the wide open field in a star filled quiet morning. Dave shooting a nail through his hand? It could have been so much worse. He always works alone. If he can't work, he doesn't make money and he's not covered by insurance. Yet, God orchestrated it to be right after he just hired a kid to start working with him. One- the kid was on the job with him and could drive him to the ER. Two- he now can have the kid help build the barns, yet still bring in some money. Always- God is good. Gooey eyeballs, septic, pee, and pups? Just wonderful reminders of boys being boys, the privilege of being able to have pets, and life..."Another day in Paradise."

Like my Grandpa always said. "If the troubles are in the barn... you really have no troubles at all."

I have all of my kids (3 more as a blessing) and a partner to help me. I really have no troubles at all.

Simply trusting and enjoying:
Amy

ps. since I have more space, I will include a wonderful quote from Dallas. "So Mom. Going to heaven is like getting 'new data' when your old data is totally erased and you get to start all over agin." (something about gameboys or something). This coming from Colin's question of, "If you have a broken back right before you go to heaven, will God take care of it?" Don't you just love kids?!

382 October 29, 2007
"her LIFE IS IN THE LORD'S HANDS"

And don't you know it!!

Halle's surgery was cancelled. She has a bad enough runny nose and cough that they did not want to do surgery today.

Silly me. How easy it is to get so wrapped up with worry, I forget He ALWAYS has it covered.

They will call me with another date sometime this week. Gosh- the way things are going, I'm expecting her button to miracuosly close before we get it scheduled. It's possible. It hasn't been leaking as much. =)

Thank you so much for your prayers. Just knowing how many people Halle has pulling for her brings comfort. You guys rock.

Who'd ever thought I'd be thanking God for a sick Halle. But boy am I ever doing just that today.

God is sovereign.

381 October 26, 2007
Looks like Halle will be having surgery this coming Monday, the 29th to close her stomach. This comes as a surprise to me as well. To get you up to date; Halle was able to get her feeding tube removed early September. YEAH GOD!! Oh we were so excited. No more feeding pump blues. "it's three in the morning--the alarm starts to beep. And all you can think of-- is I just want some slee-eep. Yeah I have the feeding pump blues." Thank you Lord- those days are behind us. Yes- there is hope for all of you still in the midst of singing those blues. Anyway- we got it removed and they were going to try to let it close on its own. It hasn't.

Behind the decision for surgery.
It's NEVER easy to decide what is best for your heart child concerning going under general. Even for small procedures, the threat is in the back of all of our minds. It's even more difficult when you have differing opinions from the docs. Both GI and cardiology bring with them their own backgrounds and insights to their decisions. I get it. Sure wish they all thought the same though. That would make our job a little easier. On one hand, Halle could wait longer to see if her button hole closes on it's own, but the site is a "dirty site" and poses as a risk of infection. Our school has reported a case of that resistant staff infection, so that makes her site remaining open somewhat risky. On the other hand, her EKG last Tuesday might indicate she could have something going on with her heart and they sent us home with a hotler monitor. This unknown makes putting her under somewhat risky. I asked which posed more risk. One answered going under. Another said leaving the site open. So. There we are.

I of course try to take it on myself. If I decide surgery and the worst happens-- I'll blame myself and say I should have waited. If I wait and she gets infected and the worse happens, I'll blame myself and say I should have done the surgery. This was plaguing me on and off yesterday and I had to keep reminding myself that her life is not in MY hands. It's in His. What does or doesn't happen to her is not mine to own or blame myself over. When that truth settles in, I have peace.

The surgery is set(they are trying for first case Monday). It will be an admit- not an outpatient- so we will be there at least one night. My prayer is that if it's not good for her to have this surgery right now, God will place an obstacle from it happening.

Thank you for your prayers.
~Amy

380 September 27, 2007
First day of school.
ER visit.
Wedding.

LIFE.

A Natalie Grant song often plays in my mind. Her words touch my heart and remind me of how very blessed I am to have another day of life. The words in ( ) are my thoughts or experiences while I hear her words:

"Been driving through the night/ Pull up and see the lights./ This is the place that I call home. (pulling in the drive at 4:00 am with a sleeping Halle in the car after one of many ER visits.) I watch you as you sleep./ Think of all you (Halle) mean to me./ Touch your face/ kiss you softly./ Before I go to sleep/ I pray under the stars/ Search my soul and checky my (your) heart./ And Thank God for another day!/ Another chance to love the ones I love./ To find my way to laugh, to dance/ to watch the sun come up./ Another day I get to live as if every breath could be the last I (she) takes. I get another day..."

A blessed trial. That's what having Halle means. A wonderful gift of appreciating life. Her every breathe. Her first everything-- Heartbeat, breath, urine output, steady heartrate;... Smile, bite of food, move of anything after stroke scare. Her first word. Her army crawl. Her FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!! (Yes- tears. Tears of Joy- they said she wouldn't live to see this day. Tears of heartache- way too many friends did not get to see this day. Tears.) A blessed Trial. Is it hard to be in love with someonoe that doctors say 'may not make it?' Yes. Is it a blessing? YES. Because it makes us appreciate that we got another day.

ER visit. Reality. Halle- dancing, singing, chasing her boys around... breathing hard, oxygen low, heart rate 140's. ER visit. You want to think and pretend she's just a normal child. But then life throws you a curve ball and reality sets in. Yes- it would be great if she were just like any other child. BUT... she's not. And it takes special care to love her and protect her. Her ped had us go to the ER after a high heart rate and low sat incident. Because, "these kids can act fine and then just crash." And because I have the stories to back his statement up, we went in. Halle will have a PC appointment within the month to check her erradict heart behavior. Other than that we continue on watching her dance, sing, and fight. =)

I was putting summer clothes away and found myself sorting Halle's into a 'good will' pile and a 'make into a quilt if she passes' pile. That's just a part of appreciating 'another day' but recognizing what could be real. Then a thought crossed my mind and stabbed at my heart... I have favorite outfits of the boys saved, but am I looking at them with as much love and reverence as I do Halle? What message am I giving to them? Pictures taken? Time I give? One of the challenges parents of 'high risk' children are given, is to love their other children like they might be robbed from them as well. Every child is a special gift. Half heart or whole-- Constructed in love.

Wedding; Beautiful. God is all about good. He makes all things work for the good of those who believe in Him. Those who know me well, know that this was a GIANT leap of faith on my part. I really didn't think re-marriage was part of His plan for me. BUT... I have learned to listen and follow. And that's what I have done. Dave is a good, Godly man. I trusted God's direction and married despite my fear. "walk in fear or faith?" God asked. I choose faith. With Halle, with my boys, with my new husband, with LIFE.

"I Thank God for another day to love the ones I love."

Thank you Lord, for constantly teaching me this.

LOVE, LIVE, LAUGH, and PRAY,

Amy Fee

I love my children and new husband. But I love Him more. True peace is when I give up and let God take over. Trust in Him with ALL your heart and you will be able to rest.

379 August 29, 2007
Wowzer Kazowzer!~ Really? It's been since May? May? MAY!? What an incredible wonderful gift from God that there has been no medical reason to post for such a long time. YES- we stick to the heart family code of no news is good news. Halle is wonderful. I'll fill you in on some of her summer antics in a moment. First, I want to ask you to pray for a family I am close to. Since my accident I've taken a resting time from the heart world on carepages, but still remain connected to close friends via phone. Rachel York is one of these and her son Jason goes in for his Fontan tomorrow (scratch that-- today. Because it takes me so long to type a post.) Please pray for this family. Terri (Corbin's mom) is VERY close to Rachel and is making the updates. Please pray for her as well. I can't imagine the heartache attached to posting for her best friend about the surgery she lost her own son to. That has to be all through Him. I believe in the power of prayer. So thank you for praying for these families.

Halle? Oh my golly, my gosh! She is something and a half! Let me just throw out a few clips from this summer. Picture this: We're camping and walking down the path to the restrooms. Halle places her right hand on her rump and swishes her bottom side to side. I look at her quizically and she matter of factly replies, "I have to feel to make sure I'm walking like Mommies do." Oh my word! I knew I waddled when I walked but really!

She still is "savin a hug for you" but has lost the "stank you." Sure do miss that one. She still calls her brothers, "her boys" and has NO trouble holding her own with them. Some where along the line, my little princess has learned to lie, call names, and throw a few puches and kicks now and then (Lord, please help me with this one). Halle is quite the performer and has no fear of singing in front of crowds. The campground I work at has Karaoke now and then. Halle, without hesitation, got up in front of everyone, grabbed the mic with confidence and belted out "Keep on the Sunny Side" ... I learn so much from my daughter. She is all about being happy, loving life, and singing her little heart out. As much as she has been through, she remains a VERY happy, uplifting, light, and joy to everyone who crosses her path. For example: I took the kids to the fair a couple of weeks ago and a person who hasn't seen Hal since I was carting her around in my arms with oxygen and feed pump in tow saw her and watched her as she darted from ride to ride in excitiment exclaiming, "Oh- Mom! I want to ride the boats!" "Oh- and look at this! Can I ride the dragons?" "Wow! I want to crash em cars!" This person pulled me aside and told me, with moist eyes, how inspiring Halle was. How she shows us miracles still happen.

Yup. That's His girl. How blessed am I that I get to be a part of it.

No matter how long I get with her, three things are certain. One- it won't be long enough. Two- I will ALWAYS be thankful for every single day He shared her with me. Three- God IS good. All the time.

Love, live, laugh, and pray; Amy

ps. Yes- rumors are true. I am getting married. His name is David. And yes- he is the 'White Knight' that rescued me from my accident.

378 May 16, 2007

Handprints. On the windows. On the doorknobs. On walls. Yes- even on floors.

Someday, I will look at a clean house. One that stayed clean for more than two minutes.

Someday, I will be able to walk from my sink to the fridge without stepping on a hotwheel car.

Someday, I will move a chair to vaccuum underneath and NOT find dried apple cores, and rotten cheese sticks.

Someday, I will hold a phone conversation with a friend without being interrupted by fighting, whining, or a crash of some sort.

Someday, I will be able to go to the bathroom without someone barging in. =)

Someday, I will look out my windows and see outside clearly.

Today-- I trip over toys, can't keep a clean house, can't hold a decent conversation, can't pee in peace, can't look out my windows without seeing handprints...and smile.

Because SOMEDAY is going to come sooner than I want it to, and I will long for what I have TODAY.

I had a wonderful Mother's Day feeling very much like a mother. Tired, crabby kids. Fighting, whining, making messes...filling my life with motherhood. I got tired, frustrated, and maybe even upset a few times. I mean really, shouldn't all kids behave like angels on Mother's day?! But, you know what? At the end of the day I wore a huge smile. THIS is what being a mom is about and THEY are more than worth it! (By the way... the day AFTER Mother's day, my kids gave me the perfect day. No complaining. Total pitch in family team work to plant the garden, clean stalls, and get chores done. No fighting. Pleasant tones. Wow! What a gift.)

I am thankful for the messes, arguments, whining, and the handprints. That's what having a child with a critical illness does for a person. It has taught me appreciation of the things that are most often complained about.

Halle left her handprint today. On my window. On the doorknobs. Yes- even on the floor (milk spill that got fun--FOR HER!).

But, when the art teacher at the school, who is using the students handprints to paint the halls (which will most likely remain until the school is torn down 50+ years from now), asked Halle to leave her handprint... my eyes welled with tears.

The handprints on my walls, doors, and floor will dissappear. The handprint on the walls of Jennings Elementary will last longer. It touched me in a way that probably doesn't register to the average person. As I watched her make her mark on the wall, the thought that I would be able to come visit that mark and see it, if she were to pass, crossed my mind.

And that made ALL the handprints of life so much more important.
Alex's handprint is on that wall. Dallas's is on that wall. Colin's is on that wall. And Halle's is on that wall.

And let me assure you ALL of their prints are all over my walls.

I am truly blessed.

Someday...? No. I choose to bask in today. Messy house, sore feet from stepping on toys, lack of privacy, and HANDPRINTS (everywhere).

Love, live, laugh, and pray; Amy

377 April 11, 2007
Latest news from Sunny Side Farm? LOTS!

Halle had a PC appt. yesterday and it went fairly well. It's always a joy to see everyone's faces light up when they see her and how well she is doing. George (wheelchair volunteer who held Halle as a baby) teared up to see Halle in her glory- dancing and singing for everyone. Well for the most part. There were a few times Miss NO Nap layed herself down on the dirty hospital floor (wince- glad I have sanitizer) and whined about wanting to leave. We were there from 12:30- 5:30 so who can blame her? But as we were walking out to the parking garage to leave, she chatted away about how much she loved this place and everyone. That's Hal. Loving people and experiences... Echo was great. Sats were... ready? are you sitting? 99!!! That just floors me. The EKG still showed the possibility of some rhythm issues which wouldn't surprise anyone. Halle's Transposition and double inlet combined with her hypoplast and other defects have been known to require a pace maker. We're back on a heart transponder for a month to see if we pick anything up. Just something to keep an eye on...

When you have a heart child that is tearing around the yard chasing puppies, sword fighting "her boys", and climbing ropes, it's pleasant to 'almost' forget that there is anything wrong for a time. PC appts, walking the halls of the hospital, has a way of bringing it all back to the forefront. Ultimately, I again cling to the reminder that she is His before she is mine and thank Him for another day with her...with my boys, for another day of life (snowy, rainy, or sunny).

And on that note, although the actual weather at Sunny Side is anything but... (two inches of snow Mid April- UGH!!), I still try to cling to the what's good about it. This evening after I did chores, I decided since I was bundled up anyway, I would go for a walk. The snow we had all day was just starting to turn over to a cold, heavy, mix of sleet and rain. I started my walk wanting warmer weather. Real sunshine. A nice spring evening walk would be so much better. But as a walked, I challenged myself; "What is good about this right now?" Hmmmmmmm. Then I looked down at the muddy, dirt road and watched raindrops sprinkling the mudpit puddles. 'Remember when you were a kid and found that fascinating? Watching water? Studying branches bend in the wind? Excited by the rush of water into a drainpipe? Where is that now?' I contemplated that for a few steps and then smiled. 'Right here! Right now. If I want it to be.' Sigh out- deep breath in. I turned my face up to feel the cold sleet hit my face and felt joy-- Sunshine! and thanked the Lord for always being right there to give that to me, when I choose it.

I acknowledge that this is still true to me because I still have all my children. Things change when God allows your child to be taken to heaven. I pray that He give moments of that "Sunshine" in the midst of cold, dark, rainy weather to everyone.

"There's a dark and a troubled side of life// There's a bright and a sunny side too// Though you meet with the darkness and strife/ the sunny side also made you//
Keep on the Sunny Side. Always on the sunny side// Keep on the sunny side of life// It will help you every day// It will brighter along the way// if you keep on the sunny side of life.

The 13th will be a hard day for both Terri (Corbin's mom) and Ida (Jerra's mom), please pray for a ray of sunshine to peek into their lives that day.

Love, live, laugh, and pray; Amy

ps. I also had a checkup with the surgeon. Everytime I go in, he says I remind him that miracles still happen and I hear, again, the amazement in his voice as he states, "In my 20 plus years of practice, I have only seen a couple of x-rays like yours who weren't neck down paraplegic. A spinal chord just doesn't do what yours did and not get severed..."

And I was complaining about the sleet while I WALKED!?

376 April 01, 2007
She is four.

Happy birthday sweet Princess. I want to share a bit of who you are these days.

Halle is... Full of life:
"Mom? Is it good morning time?" she whispers as she gently taps my shoulder. One of my eyes peeks open to squint at the clock that reads 4:07 am. "No Halle. Not yet. Go back to sleep." Sometimes I get lucky and she listens. Most often she chatters cheerfully away for the next hour sharing all she wants to do that day when it's good monring time.

Halle is...caring: "Aw Mom, my baby needs to go to the doctors. She's not feeling well." as she gently strokes the head of a 1lb rock (apparently her baby) she is lovingly cradling in her hands. As she climbs up to the porch, she very gently lays her baby in my arms and says, "Please take good care of my baby." and to the rock, she continues to stroke it's (I'm guessing head- maybe feet) and whispers, "Momma is right here honey. You're going to be just fine." (And yes she has about a half dozen real baby dolls- but has no problem using rocks, sticks, or other unique items if the baby dolls are inside.)

Halle is...a love: "Guess what? I'm saving a hug for you." Anyone who has had the pleasure of talking to Halle on the phone is informed this quite seriously. "Mom. Does your back hurt? I want to rub it for you." "Colin- don't be sad it's ok. I love you."

Halle is...confident: "Mom. Hey Mom. Watch me. Now you sit there. NO right there. And watch me while I perform my dance." Halle twirls, spins, lifts her left leg back in a ballerina pose. Then gives a very dramatic bow saying, "Thank you. Thank you."

Halle is...willful: "Ouch! I hurt my head." "Oh- honey did you bump your noggin?" "No. I hurt my head." "Yes. Your head. It can also be called a noggin sometimes." "No- it's not a noggin. It'a a head." At this point one realizes that her mind is set and there is no use trying to educate her more.

Halle is...a helper: Halle likes to help with anything. "Mom. Can I help with dishes?." "Mom. I want to help with chores." "Mom. I wiped the bathroom sink for you." etc...

Halle is...amazing.

Some of her cute sayings that tug at my heart include: "My boys. My boys are not letting me..." She pronounces boys with a strong Boston "owy" and rarely ever calls them her brothers. They are always her boys.

She says "Stank you" instead of thank you which just tugs at your heart strings when her innoncent little girl voice simply says. "STANK you."

I could go on and on all night, sharing her little antics in an attempt to portray her Halleness with all of you. I wish you could see her and know her like I do.

YES- God still performs miracles. Halle is one.

I thank God for another day with her each and every day and pray I don't lose sight of how incredibly blessed I am to have her for however long I have her.

Thank you Lord, for giving me four more years than what some docs thought possible. I will do my best to treasure each and every day.

Love, live, laugh, and pray: Amy

375 February 14, 2007
Happy CHD Awareness Day.

Boy- did that ever sneak up on me. I guess I've been just living in a day to day fog of getting through the day, that the 14th snuck up rather quickly. It's here and I want to wish everyone peace for the day.

Five years ago, the 14th was Valentines Day. Four years ago, it just started having a more important meaning as I was gearing up to move into the RMH to await Halle. Three years ago, the 14th was a reminder that CHD's take lives as many attended a funeral for a special little boy. Two years ago, living with a CHD child and the reality of so many of my friends missing their child was beginning to drain me. Today... I guess today, I want to make this a good day. One where sorrow and joy combine and give a perfect peace. Peace for today.

I've been asked to be the passion speaker at this Saturday's Heart Walk in Kalamazoo. Dawn Powell, Jen Forrest, Wendy Romans, and maybe a few others will be there as well. Together we hope to raise awareness that heart disease affects innocent children. We also hope to raise money that will support researching new ways of helping our children.

I have quickly set up a team page to help raise money. Anyone wanting to join my "online" team is welcome. You don't have to go to the walk personally. Just click on join a team and then help in raising funds for CHD research. It really is very simple and can all be done online in a just a few minutes. If you don't want to join my team, but would like to send something, just go to Halles page and donate there. In some weird way, this makes me feel like I am doing something to help "take care" of my child, when so much of parenting a CHD child is out of our hands. BUT--thankfully, perfectly in His. And that's where we get our peace. Like I love to say, "...born with half hearts to teach us to trust Him with our whole hearts."

Here are the links. Hopefully they will work. Thank you Jen for making these clickable for me.

Halle's Page

Team Page

Peace to you on this CHD awareness day.
Amy

When peace like a river, attendeth my way. When sorrows like sea billows roll. Whatever my lot, He has taught me to say; It is well. It is well with my soul.

374 January 16, 2007
How have things been at Sunny Side Farm in my silent absence from the computer? Different but the same. The daily happenings and events vary, yet we continue to Love, Live, Laugh, and Pray.

LOVE. Love abounds in this household. Love for the Lord, love for one another, love for the new additions of Flower and Hannah (two new pups that graced this household Christmas Eve thanks to the kindness of Jen V. and her mother),...Love of life and all it has to offer. That kind of love comes easily and naturally. But I’m reminded of another love. That of loving your enemies. To love those who oppose you, that hurt you, anger you. That kind of love is more difficult, but just as rewarding. When you can look beyond the hurt or the disagreement, and view them with compassion, kindness, and grace, then the bitterness you may have felt in your heart is erased. The hurt gone. The anger dissipated. And peace prevails. Love in all ways. LOVE.

LIVE. Oh boy are we ever living in this household! If life means ups and downs, good times and bad times, fairness and fights, good health- bad health; Yes- we are living abundantly. The boys have remained mostly healthy with just your common Michigan winter coughs and sniffles. Halle too, mostly. She has been fighting the respiratory infection since November. Two weeks ago her pediatrician wanted to admit her because she was requiring extra oxygen support, breathing treatments and the antibiotics weren’t appearing to help. I wasn’t sure that was necessary and opted to have U of M check her out first before agreeing to being admitted. Yes- she showed something in the upper right lobe of the lung (first time for that- it’s usually her lower lobes that are affected), but because I have the ability to give her oxygen at home, they agreed to let us fight it off here. They just gave her an injection and some stronger antibiotics which thankfully have worked their magic. She is off support and doing much better. Always- Thanking God for life: Halle’s, the boys’s, and mine; the good times and the bad. LIVE.

LAUGH. Oh yes- you can’t have four kids, two horses, two goats, three dogs, chickens, cats, a rundown old farmhouse and not laugh. This house is full of laughter. Take the other day when Wildfire (the horse I decided to take on after breaking my back which is laughable to begin with) decided he wanted to be a house horse. I had just returned from Ann Arbor with Halle to discover the goats were on the porch and Wildfire was out of the fence. After getting everyone inside (meaning kids in house, goats and horse in pen) we had just sat down to watch a movie when I hear a, “Ummm- Wildfire is at the door!” “WHAT?!” Sure enough that Olympic jumper (not really- but I swear he could be) had leaped the fence and was in the garage nosing the door. Never a dull moment. Always something to smile about at Sunny Side. LAUGH.

PRAY. A Constant in this household. Whether it’s Dallas after searching for his magnetic car for an hour tearfully asking God to help him find it (which by the way we found less than 5 minutes after his prayer), or Halle spending an eternity at the dinner table praying for everything she lays her eyes on. “God is good. God is good- High chair. God is good. God is good -Crayons. God is good God is good- Colin’s eating already. God is good. God is good- ummm.. Window, etc....,” Or Alex, who continually prays for all the children in the hospital and those who are in heaven. And Colin who simply shouts out, head tipped back, “I LOVE YOU SOOOO MUCH GOD!” Or me, praying for guidance, strength, renewal; specific prayers for friends. It’s our relationship with Him that guides us, helps us, and always comforts us. PRAY.

Please keep Jen V. in your prayers. Her surgery is this Thursday. Thankfully, I will be able to be there with her.

He is faithful. All the time. I’m so grateful for that.

Love, live, laugh, and pray; Amy

373 November 21, 2006
Real quick (yeah right- that never works for me). Halle was put on antibiotics for a lung infection (pnuemonia?). You would never have known it to see her. She was spunky, happy, and playful. My only clue was she asked for her oxygen. NO WAY! She hasn't wanted that for almost a year. I checked her sats and they were ok, but I took her in to get checked anyway. The doc said her lungs were crackly and she heard weazing so it looks like we caught the beginning stages. Halle is doing fine. Singing, playing, and EATING. She tires more easily, but thats the only symptom.

Everything else is going well. THANKS to the wonderful heart of people and their generosity of time, service, and finances, we are rolling along as normal as possible. I'm feeling almost normal and can walk and function that way for short distances. Still restricted in bending, lifting, and twisting but I have help with the hard labor part of the farm and chores, help cleaning my house, help watching the kids, etc.. People are wonderful. God is awesome for placing it on their hearts to share His love in such a wonderful way. Thank you to everyone who has prayed and helped us. Terri said she had a long list of people who notified her when I had my accident, but thought it best to keep people annonymous. So, thank you to everyone on that list.

Thank you for your prayers for us and one another.
God's love is awesome.
Amy

372 November 06, 2006

“If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
and we’d see the day nobody died
I’m singing
A--amen. I-- I’m alive.”

The cd player blared out one of my favorite Nickelback songs as I sung along. The windows were all the way down, volume all the way up and I was heading home in the middle of the night from a weekend adventure up to the U.P to pick up some horses and haul them back to Traverse City. The plan was to haul them that far this trip, then the following weekend I would go up and pick up my horse, Wildfire, and haul him the rest of the way home. I was loving and living my life largely.

I remember, as I drove along route 131, thinking how blessed I was and relating to the song. “Amen. I’m Alive.” Halle’s alive. Oh if only the words to this song were true. “And we see the day nobody died.” Thank you Lord, for Halle. For teaching me to appreciate and love life so much more. I just hauled a trailer full of horses over the Mac bridge, next week I’ll be running my own horse through the fields. Wow. Amen. I’m alive. (that’s the kind of thoughts you have late at night after driving 16 hours in 24).

That was the night before my accident.

Obviously, the plans to go pick up Wildfire were cancelled. My plans of racing bareback on my own horse through the fields...postponed. I like to think anyway.

Although recovery has been very frustrating for me, it is going very quickly. I’m on my feet without a walker. Doing my own chores, except for stacking hay maybe=), and really feel more and more like me. However, the accident did give me a perspective I didn’t have before. I often find myself thinking of people who end up paralyzed or face real tragedies and praying. A couple of Monday’s ago, I sat in my gym (room in my barn I put a weight bench and hung a heavy bag in) pouting. Wishing I could go back to the person I was before the accident RIGHT NOW. Looking at the heavy bag and wishing more than anything to be able to pound and kick a good workout and frustrated beyond belief by the taunting, “you can’t do it.“ message I was getting. Pretty pathetic considering that, for the most part, I will be physically able to do most things again. Pathetic or not, the feeling was real and it made me sympathize and pray for those who really are faced with those feelings knowing they’re state isn’t just temporary. Like I mentioned before, my frustrations are typically followed by overwhelming gratefulness.

And honestly, this time, a bit of stubbornness as well. I was very grateful to be alive. Prayerful for those who were less fortunate than me. Yet bound to do something that made me feel like me again.

WELCOME WILDFIRE. Thanks to my like minded best friend Jolie, Wildfire is now happily camped out at Sunny Side Farm. She decided he was just the medicine I needed and hauled him plus five kids down in the middle of the night Friday night (should I mention the trailer came off the hitch too Joles? ) Three in the morning, and we’re out there unloading a half wild mustang/ half arab beauty into the pasture. She was right. He’s just the medicine I needed. I may not be able to ride him. Yet. =). But I can feed him apples, rub him down, teach him to give me kisses, and smell that wonderful horse smell.

When I was feeling like everything about me was gone; independence (can’t even tie my own shoes), strength (forget being able to lift a milk jug let alone weights), God showed me the core of who He made me to be remains. That I don’t by into a “I can’t” attitude. Instead I will focus on the “I can’s”

I can brush my horse (have twice so far today). I can, and do, sing as loudly as I can the words to my favorite Nickelback song. “A-- amen. I. I’m alive.”

Thanking God for the I can’s, a quick recovery, and life.
Amy

Halle hasn't had any recordable episodes and is doing great healthwise.

 

371 October 26, 2006 at 12:27 PM EDT
I am just now slowly starting to come out from a fog of, shock from the accident and delusion of pain meds, into some clarity. It’s hard to explain, but it’s like after weeks of just existing blindly, being half aware of my surroundings and events, my eyes are squinting slowly open. I am discovering things I was only vaguely cognoscente of, with a bit more clarity. I was reminded by an oxygen slip on my table that I was on oxygen in the hospital. I had totally forgotten that. Friends remind me of their visits to me at the hospital and with their reminder, I am able to somewhat recall that they had been there or called. Flowers, gift packages, cards, phone calls over the past few weeks, are just now being recognized and appreciated. (Now that I’m aware- I will try to work on thank yous, but know I could never express equally the amount of gratitude that’s in my heart towards all of you.) I got on the computer for the first time in a while yesterday and was surprised and overwhelmed. I was surprised to read my own words from my posts. I had forgotten that I had written anything at all. I was overwhelmed by the pages and pages of support and prayers. I sat here at this computer emotionally sobbing with gratitude and appreciation of how kind, loving, and beautiful people are. By the amount of prayers and support presented, I felt I should at least be paralyzed if not dead, to match the magnitude of generosity and love shown. You are beautiful. Thank you seems an insignificant phrase.

My memory is coming back, the fog is lifting. I’m feeling more and more like me every day. And I praise God for that. With this awareness, comes an interesting combination of trials and joy. Moments of frustration are immediately followed by an overwhelming sense of gratitude. I “can’ts “ followed by, “But I will..” I can’t comb my own hair. But I will be able to in the future. I can’t pour myself a glass of milk. But I will be able to in the future. I can’t tie my own shoe. But I will be able to. I can’t feed my animals, wash dishes, pick up that pencil, make a bed, walk more than 100 feet without help, turn to see who walked in the door; but I will be able to in the future. I can’t take care of my children on my own. Lift them up. Hug them tightly. Make that ice rink I wanted to set up for them this winter. But I will be able to in the future. I can’t do many things right now. But I will be able to in the future, and for that I am grateful. Thank you Lord, that I’m not paralyzed. Thank you Lord, for showing me how much I take for granted. Thank you for this time of helplessness, so that I learn to lean on You and accept help from others. Thank you Lord, for providing for my every need, financially and physically, so that I may use this time on my back, to spend reflecting and communicating with you. Thank you for Friends like Jen V., Terri G, and Rachel Y, who suffered from mono, death of father, and pneumonia of Jason in the midst of helping me. For Loghan’s Charity, Hearts of Hope, Pine Ridge Church, Jennings Elementary, my old fellow teachers at UC. For heart family, neighbors, friends, family... For people. Thank you Lord, for your obvious hand on my life. For calling me by name, Amy, and loving me. My trials are only temporary and they show me more and more how glorious your works are.

I wish I could accurately express the euphoric joy He pours into me during my quiet solitudes with Him. If I could, it would beautifully demonstrate the meaning behind, Joy in Suffering.

When I go to Him for peace, acceptance, strength, and love; He answers with so much more.

Love, live, laugh, and pray; Amy

 

370 October 11, 2006
Halle's cardiac checkup went very well-- for her. It just about did me in, though. =) (a friend of mine drove Hal and I up to AA, and then pushed us around in the wheelchair until we met up with Greg-then he pushed. The traveling and activity made for a very painful day. But very worth it. I will be able to walk. It could be so much worse)

Lots of good news on her heart. Function looked good. Size was the same. And her moderate leaks in what would be her tricuspid valve and her aortic valve went down to mild leaks. Yeah God! Her EKG did, however, show some concerning trends that indicate she might be having some sub-ventricular tachicardia issues. This goes along with some episodes she was having that were of concern to me. She would pale out, her heart would race, and she would start crying. Because most of these were at night, I was hoping they were just nightmares. They sent us home with a monitor and when she has a fit we are to record it and send it in. If she is having these, then they will go from there as to what procedure would be the best for her.

Sometimes it's so hard to be a heart parent. The first fit Halle had was up in Traverse City while we were camping. She was sound asleep at my side in the camper when she suddenly woke up. Her eyes were wide like she was in shock or panicking and then she started screaming. I felt her heart and it was racing away. I tried to hold her but she just kept screaming and pushing me away. I started praying; "Please God don't let this be her heart." It's just a nightmare, just a nightmare, come on heart slow down. Please don't let this be it...
She finally settled down, and I calmed down convincing myself it was just a night terror, but chalking it up as to something I would mention to her card.

She had a few more since that time and each time, I reached a point of panic, thinking it might be her heart and could be the time that I lose her. That's what being a heart parent involves. Waking up wondering if this will be the day she goes home to heaven or will you be able to have another day. It can be a blessing and a curse. It's hard waking up wondering if you are going to lose your child that day. But it is a blessing as well, because you spend the rest of the day soaking up every little thing they do and absorbing every moment. I am honored that God chose me to be a heart parent. I'll take the pain and hardships any day, just to know my daughter.

Love, live, laugh, and pray; Amy

ps. The weekend with Ida was wonderful. She is a beautiful soul. Good friends, good food, good music (love the cd's you made for her Jen), sitting out on my side porch watching the animals and talking. Great times. God is good. All the time.

 

164 October 09, 2006 from Jerra Hall's Carepage
Hello Everyone,

This weekend went, well, GREAT!! Amy is doing AMAZING and she was a much better patient than I thought that she would be!! She was even up for church on Sunday.

Jim had to work all weekend so he was not able to join us, but we had good friends, got tons of work done, good food, good music, good times & a constant flow of conversation. I really think that my time there helped me (and others) just as much as it helped Amy. The kids spent several hours there on Saturday, it was just a beautiful, perfect day.

Amy will be traveling to Ann Arbor today with Halle for appointments. Please pray that the ride is not too painful, that Amy will keep her little butt in the wheelchair instead of trying to walk too much & that all news concerning Halle will be good.

I think we all learned a lot about old friends & new friends over the weekend. I even learned the difference between hay & straw!!! My fear of chickens has subsided a bit too!!!!

God Bless,
Ida

 

369 October 06, 2006
What WAS I thinking???? I am home. But home is a LOT harder than a small little hospital room. My limitations are just that much more pronounced here at home. Still, it's where I need to be and it will work. I'm thinking I need the Wheel Chair Steering for Dummies book however. I keep bumping into things and knocking things over. =)

Over all, though, I have been so richly blessed in all of this. I imagine I'll be making a post about the accident and everything leading up to it at some point. For right now though, I will just say it was an answer to prayer in many ways.

Being home is hard, but good. My church had some people come over and clean the entire house. They went through with a walker and made sure all the furniture was arranged so that a walker or wheelchair could get through easily. They also built a wheelchair/walker ramp (more on that later) leading up into the house from the garage entrance. AND...they are supplying meals and babysitters. Thank you Pine Ridge. I love you. The animals have been being fed by my neighbors, who have 3 little ones who LOVE to come feed the animals so that's worked out nicely. And of cource, Heart family and many friends have just over filled me with so many blessings I can't even begin to say thank you. People are so loving, caring, and good. God is so awesome for placing it on their hearts to be that way.

I'm figuring things out here bit by bit. Morning and nights are the worse time for pain. But, when I'm sitting here feeling like my back is being stabbed over and over, I remind myself how fortunate I am to be able to FEEL anything and that helps get me through. My mom is a Physical Therapist (how lucky am I??) and she works with me here at home. I really like her style better than the hospital's. She massages my back and has me try to walk three times a day. Walking is starting to come. I actually walked with out my walker yesterday for a few steps. WOW- God is good! It will come.

The prayers you are saying for my babysitters are much needed. Yesterday, my mother woke up to me calling for her from outside. Yes. Outside. I was sitting at the computer yesterday moring and the sunrise was beautiful. So I thought I would wheel myself outside for some quiet, reflection time with God. It was beautiful in many ways. BUT, when it came time to wheel myself back in, I realized that coming down the ramp in a wheel chair is much easier than going back up. I just didn't have the arm strength. The other little challenge mom had yesterday was my thought that I was going to mop the floor before people from my church came over. She came in from sweeping the porch outside and saw me reaching for the mop and bucket from my chair. "And WHAT is it you think you are going to do with that young lady?!" (No matter how old you get, you're always going to be your moms little one) When I told her I was going to mop the floor before our visitors showed up she just burst out laughing. I think she had half a mind to let me try just to see how ridiculous I was being. BUT, she didn't. And I, dutifully, declined from mopping the floor. I think Mom's more than ready to pass the baby sitting torch on to Ida who will begin her tour of duty later today. =)

Seriously, I am very grateful to be home already and to be able to move. Walking will come, and sooner than you'll know it, I will be back to normal. Well- Amy/normal anyway.

Again, I want to thank everyone for the prayers, support, and love. God continues to amaze me with His blessing of love through all of you. Thank you.

Love, live, laugh, and pray; Amy

ps. The children are well. Halle has a cold, though, so please pray that clears. Greg brought them over for a visit last night. It was so wonderful to hear my house filled with their sounds again. They have been with Greg and will stay with him through next week. After that, I should be able to have them home with me again. Hoping anway.

 

368 October 04, 2006 at 01:00 AM EDT
Amy here. The H word has been brought up (by me 100 times). They are hesitant to let me go because of the large amount of pain meds I'm on. They would like to see me stay here a few more days and start weaning the meds down while I'm here. Since I have to be baby sat 24/7 for the brain injury anyway, I thought I could have my baby sitters help wean me down. WELL... either the logic of that convinced him, my batting the baby blues worked, or he just plain got sick of me asking to go home. Regardless of what method worked, it worked! I am getting discharge papers written right now as I type. We are waiting for those, meds, and a wheel chair to be delivered and then... WE ARE OUT OF HERE!!

Very excited. A little scared (In PT the most I can go even with my walker is about 90 feet.) But we can do it. Mom's baby sitting me until Friday, then Ida is coming for the weekend to baby sit me, then other friends take over from there. "I think I can. I think I can."

Love, live, laugh, and pray; Amy

THANK YOU for all of your support, love, and prayers!

367 October 03, 2006 at 01:00 AM EDT
This post was supposed to be done earlier....sorry for the delay.

Amy had a better night last night (pain and comfort wise) They have switched around a few medications and that seems to be doing the trick. The results of her CT Scan did show some brain injury. Is this reversable and able to heal? Only time will tell. She will be follwed very closely. I don't want to give out too much detail, I haven't had a chance to talk in depth with her about it so I don't want to post any inaccurate information. She is still being tortured by her therapists =-)...but she is making small progress. They are talking about the "H" word for possibly tomorrow, so cross your fingers, legs, and toes! Amy or I will post when we know exactly when she will be on her way "H".

Much love to all for all of the prayers.
Thank you...Thank you....Thank you...Thank you!!!!!

Jen for Amy (wanting to go "H" and see those precious babies)

366 October 02, 2006 at 01:00 AM EDT
Amy posting for... hey! I'm posting for me! How 'bout that? =) Not much new to report. Working on walking, getting pain management undercontrol and praying for poop. You know--same ol stuff. BOY do I have a new appreciation for what our kiddos go through, though. PT alone is a nightmare. For adults anyway. I hear it's just fun play time when you're little. Cat scan of the body came back fine. Showed a few broken ribs and fractures that could be cause of the shortness of breath, but nothing that needs to be re-opened and fixed. THANK YOU LORD!

They want to do a congnitive screening for my head injury tomorrow. I'll let you know how that goes. Gosh, don't we already know I have a few screws loose?

No mention of the H place yet. Although, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for tomorrow. I can't stay at home by myself for the first coupe of weeks, so hopefully we can convince them that Mom will stay as long as she is needed and they will let us go.

Thank you again, for all of the support, love, flowers, prayers. I am so overwhelmed by your generosity I have a rim of tears in my eyes most of the time.

You all are wonderful. God is great.

Amy

365 October 01, 2006 at 01:00 AM EDT
Quick update about Amy,

She has moved out of the ICU....YEAH!!! Whis is in the stepdown unit and they have her on a traction bed to help her manuever better. They are all trying to get a gameplan together for her pain medication because she seems to be very uncomfortable and in pain alot of the day. She had a Ct Scan eairlier today to check her brain (she been having some trouble with "remembering and repeating herself" It could be due to the pain meds but they just want to be on the side. They also want to check her ribs(she has a few rib fractures) to make sure they have not punctured the lung in anyway. She will probably know the results tommorrow. I will post more when I know. Please pray for her pain to get under control so she is able to sleep. She has been having a hard time getting comfortable enough to sleep at night.

Thanks again for all the support.

Jen Vercammen for Amy

Amy also wanted me to put her room information on here now that she is feeling better.

Room E112
Room # (269)567-2212